The hot date turned into penetrative sex. You know, the sex you said you weren't going to have....
Now you feel ashamed, maybe even a little numb or dumb.
Your self care and spiritual practices have gone out the window.
Your self talk is beating the crap out of you. Bathing, almost paralysed, in self loathing you sense that your spiritual evolution may have lurched back ...centuries.....
Mentally languishing over and over the incident with the ferocity of PTSD, you recall
the sex wasn't even that good!
Why? You checked out of your own body sometime between the front door opening and when he physically entered you.... You were too busy beating yourself up and diligently pushing your own knowing away to notice much else.
Abandoning sensation and pleasure, abandoning yourself.
Even worse is the regret of not speaking up more loudly or physically / verbally stopping penetration because of the fear of how he would react.
Ladies, I'm not writing this to #metoo this situation, men are violated too, but this self violation is so very very common amongst heterosexual women.
I hear about it in my clinic room, in my group sessions, at my retreats; out for dinner and over a cuppa. All ages and all levels of socioeconomic, educational and cultural background. Its super common, but we don't discuss it beyond our diaries. It's loaded taboo and that's why I wrote this piece.
Transgressing your own boundaries may bring up layered emotions. It's not uncommon to feel post-coital overwhelm. Bombarded with shame, guilt, projection and self berating judgements like:
"I wasn't going to do that again"
"I can't believe I let that happen. why? "
"Why didn't I wait ? "
"Why didn't he listen? "
"Why didn't I listen? "
" I should have asked him to earn the right? "
The truth is, self betrayal has juicy gifts to offer up, if you are prepared to come back and land in your body. So release the story loop, breathe and gently lean into the discomfort by arriving back into your hips and pelvis and heart.
You might find a much younger tender version of yourself there.
Being kind and brave are key:
Kind enough to drop the verbal barrage so you can actually listen and most importantly FEEL what's under the shame.
Brave enough to allow this unrequited part of you to finally speak it's wisdom. And it may have a lot to say.
Forgive your Body
Sexual transgression may trigger previous sexual shames or regrets, inviting rage , grief and guilt to bubble to the surface. Good girls don't express that stuff though right? Storing it in your body may be convenient in the short term, as our heady western world would suggest, but this energy stagnates and transmutes seeking other ways to create emotional homeostasis.
So here are some post coital self care suggestions:
Keep life very simple for a few days.
Make your breath your best friend.
Restore your nervous system with deep slow restorative postures, calming music, a warm soothing soak in a bath or a self / professional massage with a trusted practitioner.
Allow your inner masculine and femme to heal and support you.
Bring gentleness into your self talk.
Ask your inner witness or masculine to observe what comes up. Your inner bloke is super good at clearing and sorting shit out. So let his objective perspective help you sort through the layers of emotions one by one.
The Zen Buddhist have a practice called Seeding. It's basically where you bring one emotion to your attention at a time and welcome it to be with you. This too shall pass. Move onto the next...breathe..feel. Repeat. Make peace with your inner war.
The judgement is probably from your inner masculine who wants to kick you up the arse for not speaking up, walking out, saying "No Thank you" .
He loves you so much he will do anything to get your full attention including mental anguish.
Your inner feminine, well, she will create tension and contraction in your physical body.
Self love requires deep courage.
Forgive yourself, sometimes your body just needs the warmth of another human without the promise of everlasting love. Its one of your basic Maslow needs that hangs out in the root chakra.
You are just human after all.
Your inner girl will feel numb and scared because you left her alone with that man.
It's not your inner 5 year old's job to deal with your womanly desires and sexual faux paus so go parent her.
Find out what she needs and give it to her if it's within reason.
SEEK APPROPRIATE SUPPORT
Reach out to a friend. Be discerning about which friend you choose. Compassionate, non-judgmental friends, who can get past their own stuff, may show you blindspots that you couldn't see. Particularly if you are looping a story about 'him' being at fault.
Seek professional guidance. Clear his energy and any dysfunctional energy chords from your body and field.
ONGOING SELF SUPPORT
No need to beat yourself up, it's not productive for anyone.
Welcome shame, rage or what ever wants to come forward, to the kitchen table for a cuppa. All are welcome, one at a time.
Stop blaming him. Stop blaming yourself. Start listening. This could be a turning point in your evolution and he has given you the golden key! Soul contracts can be difficult to comprehend from your mind's perspective.
Ground back into your body everyday - self practice on the mat, mindfully swim, connect with nature, dance like your life depended on it, eat resourcefully, move back in home to you. It's where you belong!
If you take this opportunity to get the lesson, you won't have to repeat it and that's spiritual and personal gold.